Bananas

Nothing interesting to report.

Jabba the Hut came into my work and bought Iams cat food. It paid with a check. Yes, I repeat, Jabba the Hut is real and lives in Florida.

I also found the the best t-shirt ever.

Something to ponder: Does fate have a smell? If it did, what would it smell like?

Things to Do to Jehova's Witnesses When They Come to Your Door:

1. Answer the door naked.
2. Rig the doorbell to give the ringer an electric shock. For added fun, do what the kid from Problem Child did, and make sure there's a puddle at the doorstep.
3. When they knock, rev a chainsaw and answer "Just a minute!".
4. Open the door in a devil costume.
5. Invite them in and allow them to speak their case. Beforehand, have a friend hide in the closet and make muffeled screams of terror as the JW's tell you of the glory of Christ.
6. Pretend to have an orgasm every time they say "God".
7. Open the door, tell them what nice costumes they have and give them some candy.
8. Ask what took them so fucking long with your pizza.
9. "Oh! You must be the strippers! Come on in!"
10. When you open the door, yank them inside before they can tell you who they are (as though you didn't already know) and have them hurry into the kitchen. The aliens are watching and you don't want to be see. You know too much as it is.

PROTAGONIST UNPLUGGED PRESENTS:

 

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

Episode 1:

The Lady in the Walmart Parking Lot

 

 

I decided to go to Walmart today and buy myself some shit that I really don't need. I was coerced by the denizens of A vs C to buy a webcam, so damn it, I went out and bought one. I also bought new speakers for my PC and a new headset to listen to music quietly and participate in voice chat. All in all I spent $62.

 

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't like to shop. When I "shop" I am on a mission. I want to get in, get out and set up my toys as soon as humanly possible. So, I raced my trusty steed--a 1993 Chevy Astro Van affectionately called Lummox--to my local Super Walmart, which is open 24 hours a day for my personal shopping and midnight distraction pleasure.  I walked quickly past the obligatory rednecks and black people that make up Port Charlotte, Florida, and made my way to the electronics department, pushing an old lady out of my way as she stopped to look at some shit in some other department thus making her an obstacle in the way to my goal. I'm not sorry.

 

I picked up my shoddy goods, probably made by the hands of small chinese children, and I again gickered (snickering and giggling simulaneously---I am too busy to do one and then another, it is the day and age if multi-tasking) knowing the outsourced labor was fucking over the Coorperate Fucktards. I then paid and raced back to Lummox and fired up my Stabbing Westward CD. Blaring my angsty young adult music for all the people in the parking lot to be offended by, I made my way toward the exit of the lot and on my way to improved internet chatting.

 

Then....oh, then....some lady objected to my adept manuvering past people and objects in the way of the exit and screamed at me "HEY! YOU'RE IN A PARKING LOT!" with way too much anger and enthusiasm than was actually necessary---implying that she actually cared .

 

Why would she care? Perhaps it bothered her that I decided to bypass the speeds of 5-10MPH and proceeded right to the limit of 15. Perhaps she was upset that I did not want to enjoy the leisuirely pace of slowly attaining top speed. I know I should stop and take a moment to enjoy life and all the things around it........but face it, I don't want to spend more time in a Walmart parking lot than is absolutely necessary.

 

So, Lady In Walmart Parking Lot, this was for you. No shit, I was in a parking lot. I was wondering what all those fucking cars, people and shopping carts were doing in the middle of the street. You fucking retard. Who died and made you the Parking Nazi? No one. The Charlotte County Sheriff's Department has their own army of Parking Nazis to come after me and put tickets on my un-registered steed. So stick to your day job, bitch. I can only hope that as you saw me speeding away at 15MPH that you were offended by one of my many bumper stickers. Next time I see you and am sure there are no children present, expect a finger and a "fuck you".

 

And in case you were wondering, my webcam doesn't work. I am, however, happy with my new speakers and my headset. Now if ravenousczar would just shut the fuck up, I might want to use them.

 

It's not easy being mean.....I mean, green.....or gay?
 
Being an atheist is tough work. You might think we all sit around in our chatroom and talk about how much God sucks and how much we hate Him and how stupid you Christians/Theists are, but we don't.  If you think that, you're probably a idiot fundie who also thinks God is watching right now. *Prays for the rapture*
 
Atheism is a tough gig. Atheists have very little in common other than their lack of god belief. Atheists are cannibals. When left to our vices, we will eat one another. This brings me to today's topic: Eating Your Own.
 
By nature, most atheists like to argue, even for the sake of arguing. If you argue with an atheist, be prepared to back up your argument. It doesn't matter the nature of the argument, just make sure that if you are claiming something, you can properly back it up. IE--God. We don't ask much from theists concerning gods. Just give us proof. For some fucking reason this insults theists. Courts ask for proof of a murder and you're OK with it, but not God! Never question God. Why? Because you can't answer a question about God.
 
The mob mentality goes for atheists as well as theists. The more the better. It stands to show, however, that one well read, intelligent atheist can handle many theists. The more people that agree with you, the better, but we don't really need backup. Theists tend to refute themselves anyway. Atheists don't outnumber theists, we had to evolve to be able to defeat you in verbal battle.

But what happens when there are no theists present? What do we atheists do? For the most part, we talk about sex (at least in A vs C). We talk about a lot of things. Politics, music, personal opinions, etc. This is where the danger is. For the most part, we all get along and suffer bad opinions like someone liking Metal music or being Republican, but every so often we start to itch.....when a fundie hasn't come along for a while, you start to pick at the personal opinions of your roommates. And why the fuck not? The only thing you have in common is atheism, they're not your buddies.
 
Christians like to act like they love other christians, but I know better. But they fake it anyway. "I love Jesus!" "Welcome to the room!".
 
 Versus the atheistic approach
 
 "I don't believe in God."  "Good for you, neither do I."
 
Why does this bother me? Because when you voice an opinion that someone happens to disagree with and the timing is right, you will get treated like the poor bastard theist who thinks yelling "God will burn yall in hell 4 eva, so u ppl beter start belivin in him" will cause the epiphany to end our cynicism. It's no fun having your roommates bite down on you, espcially when you made sure your opinion was expressed as such: an opinion. On partcularly shitty occassions, they will equate your reasons for your opinion to...A FUCKING CHRISTIAN.
 
That's when the "fuck you" 's start to fly.  That's when the iggy button gets pushed. That's what happens WHEN ATHEISTS ATTACK!
 
Now, I hate idiots as much as the next person, and someone is going to get on my case for this. "We're not friends, blah blah, if you say something stupid I will tell you so, yadda yadda." Just like gay christians bother me, the pseudo-indifferent atheists bother me. Of course it suits them to be nice when you agree, but when you disagree, they're the fucks that say "You sound like a Christian.". That is atheist for "You're a retard.".
 
What? You wanted a clear line of reasoning? Is the fact that THIS atheist doesn't really have a rational reason for quite a few opinions disturbing?
 
I don't like gay christians because they make gays look like idiots.
 
I don't think kids under 17 should have sex.
 
I think hunter green is an awesome color.
 
Baby corn freaks me out.
 
When atheists turn on me for stating an opinion that they don't like, it pisses me off.
 
Don't argue for the sake of arguing if you really just disagree. It's annoying. Everyone disagrees.
 
AND DON'T FUCKING CALL ME A CHRISTIAN.
 
*This concludes Protagonist's Rant*

jaakari27: Blessed is the person who does not follow the advice of wicked people, take the path of sinners, or join the company of mockers. -- GOD'S WORD ® -- GOD'S WORD ® is a copyrighted work of God's Word to the Nations. Quotations are used by permission.


In my adventures in Yahoo Userchat ATHEIST vs. CHRISTIANS, I have come across some pretty big idiots. Jaakari27 is not the biggest of the big, because that is reserved for the morons like Playing_in_the_dangerzone/snakepit and other such trolls, but jaakari27 has brought me to my Blog to issue this message:

God's words have a copyright.

Is the Bible copyrighted? Well, yes, actually. It is. The KJV has a copyright and has since 1611, according to this article. It appears to have made Oxford University a pretty penny.

Any translations of the Bible is subject to copyrights, despite what The Embassy of Heaven has to say. The word of God belongs to hundreds of people and publishers who regulate the distribution of their Bibles, mostly for profit purposes. Is this any big surprise? Not to me. It is merely another of the long list of reasons that convince me of biblical untruths. Anyone can write their version of the Bible and more morons will read it and quote it (as long as they comply with copyright laws) as the "gospel truth." As if greed and religion had ever been that far apart. I need permission to quote God? Suck my dick and call me Jesus.


I prefer the Skeptic's Annotated Bible.

Priest to get 5 years for killing child

I awoke this morning and promplty turned on my computer. The Comcast Homepage popped up, and after trying to convince it that I spend a ridiculous amount of money to be one of their highspeed customers, it refused to allow me to view the top news stories. Fuck Comcast.

So, I turned to Yahoo. What do I see? I see this fucking article on a priest who suffocated an austitic boy while trying to exorcise him. His sentence? 5 years in prison. Yes, that's 5 as in five. Not 50. Not 25. F-I-V-E years for lying on top of this kid in an 80 degree room, chanting anf singing...or whatever it is exorcists do. Actually, he is being accused of "felony child abuse". I'm sorry, but since when did killing a child equate to felony child abuse and not felony murder? Oh, when a fucking priest does it! This priest, according to the article "had no formal theological training" which I assume means that this lack of training may have cause the boy's death. Maybe next time they should teach their priests how to exorsice properly? Teach a few classes?

*takes a breath* IT'S NOT FUCKING CPR, PEOPLE!!!!!

Why does this guy get five years? Why is felony child abuse ONLY five years, anyway? I'll tell you why, it's because he's a holy man. A priest never means any harm, huh? Ask all the kids from Boston. It's all done with the greatest of intentions, right? Or maybe it was because he swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help him, God, with his hand on the Bible without bursting into flames. Meanwhile, bear in mind he plead INNOCENT and used the defense that the autistic kid he kill was on perscription medication that killed him. Yeah, what a good man.

Five years is not long enough for killing a child by negligence. You go to jail for at least 10 years for involuntary manslaughter or vehicular homicide, and these are acts of negligence or accidental. This guy gets five years for being a brainless moron. I guess it's better than nothing. I wish ALL brainless morons got 5 years in prison.

Priest Found Guilt In Boy's Death

Idiot Clause

I feel, as a red blooded American, that the right of free speech should not extend to people who are fucking retards. There are people who exercise of free speech does us intellectual harm. They do contribute anything, they simply maul spoken languge. There are times when people say "I can say whatever I want to..." and I want to choke the life out of them, screaming "Not if I can help it!". There should be a fucking retard clause. I do mean "fucking retards" as a technical term.

Fucking Retard: see, retard. noun, 1.) A person whose intelligence is comprable to human fecal matter. 2) A person who is so stupid, exposure to their drivel actually threatens to lowers one's IQ.

I feel that I have the right to remove useless matter from out gene pool. It is, perhaps, the only urge I have to help mankind as a whole, and I only care because it would make ME happier since I am surrounded by said retards. I work with "fucking retards". My job, for the time being, is a menial wannabe McJob, hardly even suitable to pay my bills. Said job is a clerk a Pet Supermarket. Protagonist is a store clerk.

Today at Pet Supermarket, I worked with a child named Ben. Ben is 17 and has worked at store #143 longer than I have. He was hired under the old management a few years ago, and I under the new a few months ago. He believes in his heart that HE knows more about this McJob than I do. Ben is mostly correct. And by mostly I mean not really. See, Ben is a "fucking retard". Ben is a useless waste of company money, as are most of my fellow coworkers at store #143. He wants to be what we call "3rd key" or an Assistant General Manager in training. For one thing, you need to have graduated high school for this. Ben has not. Two, you need to actually work. Ben does not. Three, you need to know what the fuck you are doing. Ben does not. Finally, that job is MINE. Ben does not seem to understand this. Then again, Ben is a fucking retard.

It's an easy concept to grasp. I can actually work, have graduated high school and have an IQ greater than that of the animals we sell. Ben is not happy with this. Ben can suck my proverbial cock.

Tonight, while closing store #143, Ben commented to the Assistant manager that he had done more work in the store than anyone else. On top of it being a lie, he had the gaul to say this in front of me. We have a closing list at night. Things that need to be done by each person working. Ben had two things to do, clean and front (restock) the dog food and take out the trash. I had about 7. Clean the animal cages, front the first 3 asiles of the store, the back leash wall, the toy wall, the treat section and mop/sweep the front of the store. On top of that, I had to ring up customers. Logically, hearing Ben say he did more work resulted in my going to the dog food section and fucking it up.

I do not take orders from a fucking retard child. People like Ben need to be exterminated, if only for my personal amusement. Ben likes to tell people what to do, as though being here longer made him some kind of authority figure.
"[Protagonist]!" he yells to me as I am busy cleaning the shelf of dog toys. I did not answer. "Ring this guy up!"
I look up and see Ben, standing alone behind the counter, asking me to ring someone up.
"Can't you do it?" I ask, arms full of rubber frogs which need to find a home somewhere in Toyland.
No answer. Ben is looking at me with an annoyed expression. Finally, seeing Ben is NOT going to help this poor customer, I let the frogs drop and scatter across the floor like the plauge in the Bible and run up to the register.
"Don't you know how to use the register?" I ask him, muttering darkly.
He, as anticipated, walks away.

I am going to key his car.

Testing again

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