PROTAGONIST UNPLUGGED PRESENTS:

 

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

Episode 1:

The Lady in the Walmart Parking Lot

 

 

I decided to go to Walmart today and buy myself some shit that I really don't need. I was coerced by the denizens of A vs C to buy a webcam, so damn it, I went out and bought one. I also bought new speakers for my PC and a new headset to listen to music quietly and participate in voice chat. All in all I spent $62.

 

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't like to shop. When I "shop" I am on a mission. I want to get in, get out and set up my toys as soon as humanly possible. So, I raced my trusty steed--a 1993 Chevy Astro Van affectionately called Lummox--to my local Super Walmart, which is open 24 hours a day for my personal shopping and midnight distraction pleasure.  I walked quickly past the obligatory rednecks and black people that make up Port Charlotte, Florida, and made my way to the electronics department, pushing an old lady out of my way as she stopped to look at some shit in some other department thus making her an obstacle in the way to my goal. I'm not sorry.

 

I picked up my shoddy goods, probably made by the hands of small chinese children, and I again gickered (snickering and giggling simulaneously---I am too busy to do one and then another, it is the day and age if multi-tasking) knowing the outsourced labor was fucking over the Coorperate Fucktards. I then paid and raced back to Lummox and fired up my Stabbing Westward CD. Blaring my angsty young adult music for all the people in the parking lot to be offended by, I made my way toward the exit of the lot and on my way to improved internet chatting.

 

Then....oh, then....some lady objected to my adept manuvering past people and objects in the way of the exit and screamed at me "HEY! YOU'RE IN A PARKING LOT!" with way too much anger and enthusiasm than was actually necessary---implying that she actually cared .

 

Why would she care? Perhaps it bothered her that I decided to bypass the speeds of 5-10MPH and proceeded right to the limit of 15. Perhaps she was upset that I did not want to enjoy the leisuirely pace of slowly attaining top speed. I know I should stop and take a moment to enjoy life and all the things around it........but face it, I don't want to spend more time in a Walmart parking lot than is absolutely necessary.

 

So, Lady In Walmart Parking Lot, this was for you. No shit, I was in a parking lot. I was wondering what all those fucking cars, people and shopping carts were doing in the middle of the street. You fucking retard. Who died and made you the Parking Nazi? No one. The Charlotte County Sheriff's Department has their own army of Parking Nazis to come after me and put tickets on my un-registered steed. So stick to your day job, bitch. I can only hope that as you saw me speeding away at 15MPH that you were offended by one of my many bumper stickers. Next time I see you and am sure there are no children present, expect a finger and a "fuck you".

 

And in case you were wondering, my webcam doesn't work. I am, however, happy with my new speakers and my headset. Now if ravenousczar would just shut the fuck up, I might want to use them.