Amusement from a covert source, because Dear Abby sucks

I really, really wish I had come up with this.....


"I'm an old school black man trapped in a no school white man's body. What can I do? I've tried tanning myself very dark, but my crack stays paper white. What sort of hair treatment would you recommend? Please Advise."

"Black cracks weren't always black.

Hair treatment isn't enough! To be a back man you need to live like one. Father several bastards, start a strict regiment of welfare, fried chicken and malt liquor. But black men do not like to be stereotyped so you have the choice of either becoming a pimp, drug dealer or user and a minimum wage earner at some crap job in the bad part of town. Once you become a pretty good hustler you can move up in life if you don't get shot by your right hand man.

Your wardrobe must also send out the right signals. Put away your white man's dockers and Levis jeans. Time to go to the mall and check out P Diddy's latest Sean John Gear. Knock some of your teeth out to replace it with gold ones. Do you have bling bling yet? You need tons of sparkle to match your strong personality.

To be a successful African American Male in America's society you must rent a small apartment in the ghetto while driving a brand new sports car or some HUGE SUV like a hummer. Make sure you spend all your hard earned money on material things rather then investing in your future.

Can you dance? This is a way to attract to women. Women think that men who move well are great in bed and have huge thingys. Either buy a thingy pump or go see a doctor about having a thingy enlargement done. Don't forget to name your thingy either Rosco or Elephunk. Throw out your Air Supply and Celine Dion cd's. Go purchase some Snoop and Dre.

Your girlfriend must have a name that can be spelled eubonically and phonetically. Lawfunda, Shaniqua, Escalade, Sasquatch...etc. Your girlfriend will be an extension of you. Dress her in tight fitting animal printed clothes. Be sure to keep her in control with your fists or drugs-Keeping her constantly knocked up will ensure that she will never leave you. Train yourself to become attracted to a big butt and boobs rather than her mind.

Can your crack handle this?"